Welcome to the second edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic shining a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
Cristiano Ronaldo’s new YouTube channel is a hilarious exercise in self-admiration, loaded with shamelessly narcissistic content. In a way, it’s a thing of beauty.
The wildly popular channel only launched last week but already has 52million subscribers, around one-sixth of the most-subscribed channel in the site’s history (MrBeast, 312million).
Quite what people are ‘siuuubscring’ for (yes, this is a thing) isn’t totally clear, unless you want to find out what Ronaldo’s favourite song is — spoiler alert, he doesn’t have one — or hear his wife Georgina rank his outfits from over the years.
Call Row Z an idealist, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if Ronaldo used his popularity and status to highlight horrendous acts of violence and oppression taking place in his new favourite country of Saudi Arabia?
Then again, perhaps not, given that, according to Amnesty International, people who are critical of the regime are imprisoned and even sentenced to death. Siuuuuu.
Ronaldo lines up one of those trademark free-kicks (Yasser Bakhsh/Getty Images)
Maybe Rio Ferdinand will wheedle it out of him during a new interview posted on the channel this week. Let’s have a gander.
Ronaldo: “It was very easy for me (to decide to move to Saudi). We can speak about religion or the weather, but no country is perfect.”
Ferdinand: “It’s interesting what you said that no country is perfect. That’s exactly what I was thinking when I saw you go (in 2022)… a lot of the western world are pointing the finger saying negative stuff, I’m like: ‘Are we that good?’ Everyone has problems but it’s about facing the problems and taking a step forward.”
Ronaldo: “For me, all the countries have their issues, it’s normal.”
Yep, just normal everyday issues. Like male guardianship being enshrined into law in 2022, meaning women must have a legal male guardian and cannot decide who this is.
Oh, and speaking of 2022, that was when executions rose to a 30-year high of 196 people.
Or there are LGBTQ+ relationships, which are illegal and punishable by prison, fines or even death.
Can everyone stop saying negative stuff? They’re just normal issues!
GO DEEPER
We watched every minute of Cristiano Ronaldo’s YouTube channel so you never have to
Ronaldo spends most of the 24-minute interview tackling his critics who accuse him of being past it. Or who say that he was rubbish at the Euros because he didn’t score (“Before the Euros, I scored two goals against Ireland!”), or that the Saudi Pro League isn’t a good standard (“people speak more than they know… it’s not easy”).
Just more negative stuff, basically.
He plans to reach 1,000 goals and smash Pele’s record. “With one difference… all the goals that I score, they have video, so I can prove.” Reaffirming his own greatness while being disrespectful of others. Textbook stuff.
The late great Pele dribbles past Tarcisio Burgnich in the 1970 World Cup final (EPU/AFP via Getty Images)
He refers to himself in the third person on no fewer than 10 occasions and, at one point, he and Rio question just why he’s just so damn great.
Ronaldo: “If you speak about Cristiano, you’re coming on the first page (of the newspapers), it’s normal, because I’m the most followed guy in the world.
“Not only because of my pretty face, but in everything, you know. Why is Cristiano the most followed guy in the world? Why do you think? Many things.”
Ferdinand: “There’s goals, trophies.”
Ronaldo: “Football, trophies, family way, lifestyle. Why do they follow me? Because in some way, they like me, you understand?”
No.
Noel Gallagher talks football (Robbie Jay Barratt – AMA/Getty Images)
Speaking of Ronaldo, you only have to change six words from this reply from Newcastle United manager Eddie Howe to being asked about Oasis’ reunion (sure) for him to sound like he’s talking about the Ronaldo/Lionel Messi rivalry.
“I did enjoy their music football. I bought watched a lot of the big albums games. The Blur Messi and Oasis Ronaldo rivalry was a great thing to experience, actually. I liked both bands players, so I’m gonna sit right on the fence on that.”
Find a Premier League manager who is capable of not talking in cliche-ridden football speak — it’s a challenge.
In a similar vein, Sean Dyche responded to the official confirmation of Oasis’ comeback in the manner of congratulating a former club on winning promotion on the last day of the season.
“Everyone was possibly thinking it might come their way, I’m sure everyone’s pleased.”
GO DEEPER
Noel Gallagher exclusive: Pep texts, ‘dinosaur’ Neville – and those 115 charges
Hot on the heels of Manchester City unveiling their new dairy partner last week, Crystal Palace have announced that they have an official Ventilation Partner (their capital letters, not ours).
The partnership with EFAM Air will apparently highlight the importance of Indoor Air Quality (yep, them again, not us).
Rumours that EFAM has been signed up because Palace are absolutely stinking the Premier League out so far this season remain unconfirmed.
Galatasaray’s Fernando Muslera expresses his frustration (Arif Hudaverdi Yaman/Anadolu via Getty Images)
Sending off of the week, perhaps the year, belongs to Galatasaray keeper Fernando Muslera.
The Uruguay legend has clearly lost none of his competitive spirit aged 38, as he absolutely kerplunked the gloriously named Alan Virginius for celebrating the goal that took Young Boys through to the Champions League.
An absolute headloss from Galatasaray keeper Fernando Muslera! 😱
He saw red for deliberately tripping Young Boys winger Alan Virginius after conceding 🟥 pic.twitter.com/i2QvECUvmH
— Football on TNT Sports (@footballontnt) August 28, 2024
Talking of sore losers, we head to League One now and the gift of Steve Evans, whose Rotherham team are in the early relegation zone after earning just one point from three games.
Evans has taken it well. He refused to shake the hand of Exeter boss Gary Caldwell after a 1-0 defeat on the opening day, also earning a one-game touchline ban for tearing into the ref after the match.
Steve Evans refusing to shake the hand of Exeter City boss Gary Caldwell… 😬
— The92Bible (@The92Bible) August 11, 2024
He sat in the stands for the 0-0 draw with Bristol Rovers before returning angrily to the dugout for Saturday’s 2-0 loss at Wycombe Wanderers, after which he had some choice words for Chairboys’ boss Matt Bloomfield — something which rhymes with ‘duck off’ — although he did at least manage a reluctant handshake this time.
In a post-match interview that can legitimately be described as Trumpian, Evans claimed it was “total dominance” from his Rotherham team in the 2-0 defeat.
Wycombe’s socials duly did their thing…
Wycombe’s Tik Tok on the win over Rotherham yesterday is probably one of the funniest things you’ll watch this Bank Holiday Weekend.
🎥 @wwfcofficial.#Chairboys pic.twitter.com/x9b8j3cUWk
— James Richings (@James_BFP) August 25, 2024
Evans said when appointed in April that he had chilled out since his last spell at Rotherham nine years ago. If results carry on like this, he can chill out on a beach for a few weeks.
It wouldn’t have been his fault, though.
(Top photo: Yasser Bakhsh/Getty Images)